Sometimes Sickness Brings a Friend

It's been a long, long time since I’ve been this sick. Certainly years, maybe even decades? But over the Christmas “break” (ha!) I unfortunately was visited by a gnarly and powerful virus. Here’s what happened.

The first thing the virus did was essentially put me in a coma for two days straight. I have little to no recollection of that time. I was mostly unconscious. Next, when I “woke up”(if you can call it that) I was so weak I could barely get out of bed to use the bathroom. I was too tired to even watch television.I just...laid there.

And during that time, a darkness crept in on my mind, body and spirit.And it stayed there for days. And days.And in that darkness brought with it some really terrible things.

It showed me a review of my life. It laughed at the decisions I’d made. It called me awful names. It told me I should be ashamed of myself. It told me that I was, essentially, a worthless human being.And as I laid there, trapped by a body that couldn't function, unable to muster even the energy required for a decent distraction,I was forced to sit with all the anguish this brought up in me. Needless to say, it was very uncomfortable!

I went through all the machinations that one usually goes through in these times—i tried to deny, avoid, blame, shame, become hopeless, sad, angry. At one point, I honestly didn’t want to keep going. At that point, the only thing I could do was sit with it. There was no escape. I said to myself, “this is just how it is right now.” I will not lie and say that, magically, the darkness lifted. It didn’t. But I had stopped fighting it off, which probably gave my body some energy to heal.

Which it did, little by little.I tried to eat, but nothing tasted good. I was dizzy when I stood up. It was more days before I regained a semblance of physical strength, but even then, the darkness lingered. And I began to question:

Was this darkness caused by the virus or just attendant to it? Was this a spiritual or physical illness? Was it both? Did it matter? What was the message the Spirit was trying to send me? Must there always be a message? Do we ever just get sick and feel awful and that’s it? No grand lesson, no “aha” moment? That’s what it felt like for many days. It felt like pointless pain and suffering.

And then, I finally felt well enough to come back to work. As soon as I did, I felt some of the darkness lift. And with it, I began to see that*maybe* there were lessons I could take from this.Maybe I had been completely debilitated and forced into a life review because something I'd been holding onto needed to die? You all know this has been a season of major transition for me, including my son leaving for college and changing locations for my work.I am transforming along with my life, and I am not sure what exactly I am transforming into.The only thing I know is that death and rebirth are inextricably linked. So if what I’m experiencing is a death, there is bound to be new life on the other side of it.

That beacon of hope lights the way forward for me.

And you all are a part of that. I find so much meaning in my work with you!